And I miss you still
by Ann Smiley
Summary: They live near the ocean now. Kidfic, team with one little alteration. Title is a line from "Winter" by Joshua Radim.


And I miss you still

Summary: They live near the ocean now.

A/N: Written for the kidfic challenge on the sga_flashfic community on LJ, where my pen-name is less_star.

Most days, he's a happy child.

Sometimes, he wakes at night and can't go back to sleep. Some of his dreams scare him. In the dark of the bedroom he climbs out of his own bed and goes to Mama. He slips in beside her and she wakes and wraps the comforter around them both. She asks about his dreams but most of the time he doesn't remember. The scary stuff goes away as soon as he's with her. Mama sleeps in a pink pajama with pictures of bunnies and her hair smells good.

When they wake in the morning sunlight comes through the curtains (the one on the left won't quite close, and Daddy says he'll fix it but Mama tells him she likes it that way). Morning light makes Mama's hair look red – dark against the pillowcase. As soon as she wakes she puts her forehead against his and whispers "Good morning".

Daddy thinks he should sleep in his own bed. He says that people will notice and think it's strange. Mama tells him that the children of her people sleep with their family for many years and then she looks a little sad.

SsSsSs

They live near the ocean now. It's so big you can't see the end and the sound of the waves never stops. They lived in other places, before, but not for long. Sometimes only for a night, and in one place he forgot his bunny and they couldn't go back to get it. But this house, near the ocean, belongs to them and they're going to stay for a long time. They got beds and chairs and a table from a big store and Papa put up a swing for him in the yard. Their house has a front door and a back door and it's close to Daddy's work (which is full of stupid, stupid people).

Before the other places where they didn't stay long, there was somewhere with no windows. It had a lot of strangers and they all smiled at him but he had to sit still all the time while they made tests and some of it hurt. Daddy was so angry, there, it made him cry, because he thought he had been bad. He didn't see Mama or Papa for days and days and he thought that was because he had been bad, too. He never wants to go back there again, and Daddy has promised him he won't have to.

SsSsSs

They go to the beach a lot. It's best when Daddy isn't working and they all go together. He sits very still as Daddy puts the sunscreen on. Sunscreen is important for Daddy and him. They watch as Papa surfs and it's funny, he can almost feel it, the waves powerful and a little dangerous beneath the board. When Papa's done surfing they play and Papa swings him round and round and then throws him into the waves and it feels like flying. He never wants to stop, but they have to take a break to eat and Daddy takes him by the hand to go and get ice-cream.

SsSsSs

Papa likes to cook. Sometimes it's meat on the grill, outside. Sometimes it's soup or stew with a lot of different things in. He gets to help, cut vegetables into pieces, very careful, with a knife of his own. Papa has several knives, sharp, they can cut anything. It's fun and they have the radio on and Mama comes in to ask if they need help and they say no, but she can help eat it. Mama laughs and sits in the kitchen with them and listens to the radio.

Daddy always asks what's in the food, because there are things he can't eat. But they only make things that are safe for him.

SsSsSs

Mama does the shopping. She likes it, and he likes to go with her. She tells him how to see if the fruit is good and he reminds her to get the right kind of coffee for Daddy. Sometimes they sing in the store, made-up songs about candy and washing powder.

One day he's waiting for Mama to get toothpaste when he sees two women watching them. They smile and he smiles back. One of then has a little girl with her in a stroller, just a baby. They look at him and Mama again and talk to each other and then they come closer.

"Excuse me," the woman with the little girl says to Mama "I hope you don't mind but I was wondering which agency you work for?"

Mama loses her smile. "I beg your pardon?" she says, and the woman says "It's just that my au pair upped and left and you seem to have a great touch with kids." They talk a lot after that, and he doesn't really listen but suddenly they have to leave the store very quickly. Mama even forgets about the toothpaste. She cries in the car on the way home and she cries when they come home and he can't explain to Papa what happened because he doesn't know.

"They would not believe he was mine." She's shaking, even when they sit in the sunlight. "I could see they did not believe me. I will never belong here."

Papa has to call Daddy and tell him to come home from work early. When Daddy gets there Mama is more angry than sad.

"You do not understand." Mama says, and he's never heard her sound so unhappy. "I need to get home. Now. You promised me."

"Look, it's not easy for me" Daddy starts but Mama almost yells "Do you think it is easy for me?" And then she starts to cry, again. Daddy looks lost, but he puts his arm around Mama's shoulders and she struggles a little but then she goes still. Daddy leans down to touch his forehead against hers. They stand for a while and it's as if Mama's sobs fill the whole house. Daddy straightens and leads her to her bedroom. He closes the door behind them.

"Help me with dinner?" Papa says and in a way it feels just like it always does and at the same time everything feels wrong. He's not very hungry.

Later, Papa has the football game on and they just sit together. He likes football, and to be allowed to stay up and watch is a treat. But he can't forget how Mama sounded when she wanted to go to another home. Not this home, their home. Not where he is.

"Where is Mama's home?"

"It's here, of course."

"But she told Daddy-"

"Mama's just sad today. Don't worry, she knows her home is with us." Papa sounds so sure, it's always easy to believe him.

He's almost asleep when Daddy comes out again and plops down besides him on the couch. He squirms over to rest his head in Daddy's lap while Papa takes his feet. Papa turns the sound down a little. Daddy rubs a hand over his eyes and doesn't complain about the football.

"She's. I don't know. She went to sleep, finally." He sighs and rubs his eyes again. "Honestly. It's so much harder than I. Than I thought. If the SGC…" He just stops, as if his words have run out.

"We'll make it" Papa says. Daddy looks like he isn't listening and he looks so tired.

"Yeah, sure." he says quietly (too quiet, for Daddy) and then "Seriously, football again?"

Mama's happy again in the morning, but the next time they go to the store Papa goes with them.

SsSsSs

One day he's playing on the floor, shoving Mama his Lego spaceship. Daddy is working and they're being quiet. Suddenly Papa comes in and says "Outside. We have to." And Daddy says a bad word and gets up quickly.

Mama takes him out the back door and they run through mrs Gonzales' yard without asking. Papa runs past them and he opens a car on the street and Daddy isn't with them and the spaceship broke when he dropped it.

They drive for a long time and then there's a call for Mama and she listens for a little while and then says "He says it is safe to come back." Papa pulls the car over to the side of the road.

"Did he say it right?" he asks.

"Yes. I. Yes, he said it like we practiced."

Papa is quiet and still. "We could" he says after a wile "we could just keep going. To be safe." But then he turns the car around anyway.

SsSsSs

It's dark when they get home. He runs straight to Daddy and climbs up in his lap. There are strangers in their kitchen, a man in a suit who has his hat on even when he's indoors and a lady in a blue jacket. She smiles at him but he looks away from her. He wants Daddy to hold him and then fix his spaceship, not talk to stupid strangers.

"You realize that if we really wanted to take him we would, right?" Daddy doesn't answer but Papa looks straight at the lady and says "Yeah, you keep telling yourself that."

They came to talk to Daddy about important things but no-one can make him let go of Daddy now and the lady is annoyed when she leaves.

SsSsSs

When uncle Radek and aunt Miko come to visit they bring him a toy wolf with really soft fur. The grown-ups get a bottle of grown-up drink that you have in very small glasses. Aunt Miko shows him pictures of real wolves. She took them from a car because the wolves are dangerous if you go near. There's lots of snow in the pictures, because there's lots of snow where Radek and Miko live.

He shows Radek his spaceship and Papa cooks a huge dinner. The grown-ups have their grown-up drink and they clink their glasses and say "To home".

After dinner they all go down to the beach, in the dark, but not to swim. The sand is cold at night and it feels different under his bare feet. They lie down and look at the stars and Daddy points out con-stell-a-tions and Papa gives them silly names and Mama and Radek laugh. And then they're all quiet, listening to the waves. He's lying between Mama and Miko and Miko's hair is dark like the sky at night, he thinks.

Everyone's sad when Radek and Miko have to leave.

Afterwards, he starts to keep the wolf with him wherever he goes. One evening at dinner Mama asks if Wolf has a name and he says yes, he's called Todd and Papa laughs so hard he nearly chokes on his drink.

SsSsSs

One night he wakes with a memory of something dark and cold, chasing him. It makes his heart beat fast. He starts to go to Mama's bed but this night the darkness is everywhere, reaching for him. Through the door he can see the light from the living room and hear the tappity-tap that means Daddy's up late, working.

He runs to Daddy and climbs on his lap and grabs hold, hard. Daddy smells like coffee and washing powder and he sits in the light.

"Hey, look, hey." Daddy hugs him tight. "What's wrong?"

He shakes his head. Daddy's t-shirt is already wet with his tears. He can't talk about the dark thing that wants to take him. He doesn't want it to be real.

"It's just dreams, you know. Nothing to worry about, buddy. We won't let anything happen to you."

Daddy's arms are strong and warm and as his tears dry Daddy strokes his hair again and again. They leave the light on and go to sleep on the sofa. Daddy tells him he's safe and before he goes to sleep he hears the waves and Daddy's voice, both saying safe, you're safe.

Daddy's back hurts in the morning. He tells the stupid people at work that he's not coming and they all go to the beach.

SsSsSs

Most days, Johnny McKay is a happy child.

End


End file.
